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I love you so much my heart hurts

you little blonde haired wonder

like me and also yourself

I want to freeze you at five

I want to see your children

I want to know how you talk about the passions of your life

and I want to live long enough for it all.

You run, giggle and walk fast.

You observe and ask questions.  You love family time.

When your head hits the pillow at night as you say you do not want to go to sleep and your eyes are closing, you are the light to the candle of my life.

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My Silent Love

she rustled under my polyester top as I walked in the sunshine to the blue Nova.

The doctor declared today would be her birthday; she was already three weeks late, no signs of starting labor.

I held her tightly to me.

Since the time of her birth, I have never put her down; not truly.

She left me to go to college and get married and have a career and start a family.

When she comes back,

I am waiting.

Her love for her daughters is strong and challenged by the times in which she lives.

I grow older; more tired, less able.  A virus catches me and I am laid up for days and her children rebound in minutes, it seems.

Daughter of mine.

How can I say how I felt then, how I feel now?  How fierce is my love?  Fighting every day for her survival and the well-being of her young, I am lost, there is not enough of me.  My energies are on the wane and I must go on to old age – alone.

Still Loving My Baby Girl

She wrenches my heart; it lurches when she says “please.”

Looking at her, I think I could die for loving her and what might be our fate together.  Her coming was like a comet, expected, profound and magical.  Every day I grow older and I wonder how I can face death and leave her?

Her giggles tickle my brain.

Her dance with bottom wiggling causes me to dance and wiggle.

The deep brownness of her eyes harkens back to other relatives who blew my life apart

and I stand amazed that this can be so in one lifetime.  I can never enjoy a day with her “grandpa” and I am glad.  Deeper than this gladness, I feel the relief.  No longer burdened by him, his evil ways, his crazy family and even though his genetic material lives on; it seems to have been diluted.  I pray this girl child will carry very little of it in her ovum to the next generation.  I pray for nurture; I pray nurture can curtail nature.

Love like this one feels dangerous.  I would compare it to watching a fireworks display with sheer delight and at the same instant knowing the power behind the elegant display of blues, reds and pure white light in the sky.   She, a rose bud; me a drying and dying bush with no blossoms remaining.

While He is Gone, I am Missing Him and Loving Him in spite of my goals not to

the touch of his fingers kneading my white parchment skin on my arm

made soft by hours of working in cocoa butter

just in case touch came my way.

Social events, wars, and fun times unrelated to a significant other and will he even care when he returns from his great adventure?

I see him when he is not here; I hear his voice and I know loving in older age is not easy nor quick for me.  I was afraid; he was afraid.  I am less afraid now, he has been gentle and kind.  Kindness is such an important virtue, it is to be prized next to love but I did not choose to write about kindness and is kindness love?  Kindness seems to be the action and love the emotion; kindness is also about spirit and it shines through when we have it.  His eye color is green, very light and I never see it because the spirit draws me when we talk.

Having a conversation with him inside my head continues.

Will we have a relationship when he returns?

Is it possible for me to have a relationship while he is in absentia?

What would he answer?

For me, he is a constant object.  Whether he loves me, I do not know.

Loving him and being alive to the loving seems to be the most important thing for me.

I Love Your Impossible Young Self

I am angry with you right now

it is momentary

it will pass

it does mean I need to do things differently.

When you are saying ignorant things; I need to point it out

when it is about me.

I had a full life before you were born.

I had a life the entire time you were growing up of which you were only a peripheral part

and I have had a life since you left me.

Do not judge or I will scratch you.

It is coming I can tell.

There have been too many slights I did not address.

“She does not mean it”; I say.

“She does not understand”; I think

I do not care – I am going to clarify the boundaries between us

and push back.  I know she will look and be startled; maybe, she will think before

words and attitudes start tripping over her tongue in the future.

I love you unabashedly with a depth you may never appreciate

until I leave this planet.

And, enough is enough.  I want my independence back.  I want to be free.  I do not want to answer to you and your thoughts of me; expressed or unexpressed.  I love you

and leave me alone.

My Dearest Love

Our love is intense

I knew you were helpless without me

crying crying and crying.

I was the one who fed you, clothed you and held you during those long long nights.

My body began to give out.

This past twenty plus months, you have cried again.  All four of you cried.  I heard your sobs from the Left Coast and I came running.  There was no question.  You were in hot water and you were unable to get yourself out.  So I came.  So I stayed.

I feel the same wear and tear on my body again; this time, quadrupled.  The love is so much deeper; I doubt I can describe it.  How does anyone describe their need for their own breath, the need for the heart to beat even if it is no mine and the need for succor in this cruel world of war, strife and floods?

Life is so very tumultuous; we  people are tossed to and fro like pecans dropping from large canopied trees in autumn.  We are pelted and become missiles into our lives and others.  You are just beginning to learn your journey of life is already half over.  You faltered for love.  You thought, like I do, love would carry you through.  It did not and you still had me. What will happen next time?  Will you be more careful, less willing to give yourself to love with abandonment?  The only love where this is possible is ours.  In other relationships, if we lose ourselves in love, we will indeed lose.  There may not be a mother’s hand to grasp and pull you back from the edge of all you know.

Along with the poet’s words:  love is kind, patient, etc. I want to add:  love is fleeting like a shadow of an elm tree in fall, love is maddening like a man lost in a crowd with a knife and love is greedy asking for too much like a child whose ice cream cone has melted and she wants her mother to go to the store and get her another one.  The store will be there; the mother may not be.

I Love You Amidst Your Pettiness

The poets say love encompasses all.

Love is the container

it does not leak

not even if it is thrown into the field and neglected

for a season

because a family member

had more than one

and did not understand

some people do not have even one container.

Filled with dirt, algae and moss, love lies on its side

waiting

waiting for the one who threw it

to remember

hopes they will remember without being reminded

how hard was the throw

how neglectful the thoughts of containment

as an entitlement.

The vessel stretches out in the warm sun

and waits.

She has more lessons to teach

and is also getting tired.

Will the one from whose hand she was flung

ever grow up and realize containment is not earned or won

it is given and can die or wither if left alone

unattended?

Love Song to the Uncles

as a tyke

I watched you

sway in the breeze

as you stood outside.

I would come to know you liked your whisky and beer.

The man I saw today was missing half his teeth.

How could I forget?  The true mark of poverty and unlovingness

society inflicts on some

and not others.

My, how I loved and love those boys and men with the clearest blue

eyes.  I never saw them smack a child.  I never saw them hit a woman.

I never saw them have a fight with each other.  Dad told me they did and

one of them was a mean man so I figure it was him.  His eyes colored more to the

brown side than blue.  All men of the same mother; she died after giving

birth to my father; thirteen in all; eleven lived for a while.

He the babe lived to bid all good-bye

how hard it was

to see the tears course

down his brown cheeks.

When he was laid off, he did not shed a tear.

When my mother was less than hospitable, he never groaned.

When his body began to disintegrate at age 40 because his telomeres were

old at his birth, he did not yell out in pain.  In anger, yes.

They are all gone; all those men and most of the boys.

And, I am going too.  My blue eyes becoming clearer every day and through the tears they sparkle too.

I Love You Because I Do Not Understand You

you are the mystery

of my older years

I sought

a companion, a pal, a solace

I have a stranger

melting in and out

A shadow unknown

A piece of the puzzle of life unexplored

Just an old man to go to dinner with

maybe, cuddle up before the fire

watch the stars

instead

war, unceasing war and battles, horrible battles,

and displacements, thousands of people

you are in the middle of it all

and I

am enticed by life again.

You are So Easy to Love

Two of you like peas in a pod.  Similar and different and I love you so much.

Faces round and brown, legs stout from mountain climbing, bike riding and throwing footballs up, up in the air.

So late in life you came to me and just at the very right time.

You captured my heart.  You love me just because.  We play and laugh.  You tease me and I tease you.  I ask myself:  what is it like to be three and nine years of age and male and growing so very fast in this fast changing world?  As their adopted grandmother, I know they will be famous some day as they are already so smart, funny and playful with me.  One may be an architect and the other might stand with a fist and lead his people, our people into another world of peace and prosperity for all.

I ask myself how can this be?  I want my own flesh and blood; they reject me because I will not fit their mold and here are these two and their mother and I am so crazy in love.  What good fortune.

The force be with you and also with you.