I Loved You Even Though You were Unlovable

When we marry as young twenty somethings

we marry a stranger

even if we have known him a year

have met his family

see his assets and vulnerabilities

his successes are viewed

as part of him

because I was green

and new

to life

you were my first receiver

I loved you so very much

I allowed you to enter my body

and the next year

we became parents

and then

you began to show me

how unloving you were.

You would not take care of our baby

yes, she had multiple birth defects

yes, your mother would have been upset

maybe, she would have cut off your allowance

and then

your unlovingness

just grew and grew

if you rode your bike

and worked hard;

you wanted a massage for your back

and never gave me one; not once.

And, I stayed with you

and made two more children.

The candles shining in my darkness

and they are daughters

with very little of you in them.

By nature and nurture, they belong to themselves.

They love, they reach out to others and they are lovable to me.

You are dead

and sometimes, I am still sad.

at what we might have had.  We never got to sit

with our grandchildren around us; not once.

When you refused to love

when you could not or would not love

you shrank

and your life force was lessened

and you left us very early.  As I write this prose,

I realize I am no longer mad (like crazy) nor am I sad.

My tribute is my love regardless of whether it was returned.



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