A Tangled Knot of Love

my daughter

you frighten me to death

with you and your husband and your three children and two dogs; you give me so much.

Love, crumbs, popsicles and flowers

flow from your womb into my life like a swift flowing river from the mountains of Oregon. You are never slow; always filled with ripples and eddies; water on rocks, smoothing me, rubbing my rough edges, calling me to a different lifestyle, to come alive when I wanted to die.

What if I love you and you leave me

again

as you have before

when you sought a man

when you sought children

and more children

and then dogs

and then a career

and other homes and houses?

What if I love you and it is not enough and I need to move on

to grow older, to date men of my own age, to garden as a solitary person and be empty for a while?

Our love has stood the test of time

it has weathered a flood

two floods

and was born from the death of your sisters and still our fountain of love, humor and food flows onto lashing both of us; bearing us to the time when we must part and I will leave you and I want to find a way for you to go on with out me and be with your man and with your family and not to want me so very much the way I will always want you

until my dying day.

I pray for every minute of crumbs on the floor, crying children, bath times and homework.

I want to see you in the spring flowers and in the reds and pinks of summer hibiscus and in the fall of the orange and gold and brown leaves and in the winter’s chill with your running tights on and watch you sprint down the street in my mind’s eye.

I want you to be healthy and slender.  I want you to know your body and accept its limitations and find more ways to nurture your soul.

Most of all, I want you to be alive to every moment which is good, every difficult and trying day and all of your sorrows.  As long as I am alive, I will be with you.

I always have been; even when you did not know it.

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