Not having a significant other is trying.
I could go to the wine tasting dinner and watch all the couples come in hand and hand.
When I want to recap my day — well I do not.
It is tempting to share with the adults in my immediate family. Not a good idea.
If I cannot talk it out; I can write it out. How lonely is that?
Having no one to stand by you through thick and thin means you are alone in the world and if the pharmacy forgets part of your prescription, you have to go back and retrieve it. If you visit the grandchildren, you are the provider of hugs, bathroom breaks, drawing assessment and overall critic about potty training the new puppy. There is no Other to foist these tasks upon.
Did I mention I eat most of my meals alone? And, I like it — most of the time. I watch the days’ workers come in my neighborhood one by one. If it is on the weekend or a special occasion, they leave two by two. My friend, Peony (not her real name) says she did not want another relationship and is able to bear her loneliness by the friends she cultivates, the meetings she attends and the church where she worships. But, what about bedtime?
I am alone when I go to sleep. I have the whole bed to myself. In fact, I have two beds, a futon and a couch where I could rest blissfully without any interruptions from anyone but myself. I do not have to share the blankets, change the sheets to the colors or style someone else prefers nor be careful where I place books that might roll off into the night.
I can even eat in bed and did for a long time when I was first alone, again. The monsters would visit me amongst the crumbs. I did not like the images I conjured up with the mattress orgys: too fat to be with anyone again, all about chocolate all the time and the sluggish feeling when one has eaten late at night and awakes with a five pound cheeseburger in her belly and a jelly doughnut stuck to her face. I am glad I no longer have that habit, today at least. Waking up to greet the sun salutation is the most pivotal point of the Loneliness All By Yourself Game. Alone last night, alone this morning. I cannot think of a way to create humor in this writing.